The Only Twitter Rule You Need (and a bunch you don’t)

I’m going to assume you’re new to this “Twitter thing.” Maybe you heard about it on Dateline or somebody in your network told you that Twitter is the new marketing gold mine.

So you figured that you better hop aboard the train, wherever it’s going. You created your profile (pretty easy), read the FAQ and even managed to get a few followers. You ventured into new territory by posting some test tweets like, “Hey this is cool,” or “I like your avatar!”

Then you started seeing posts like, “Twitter Rules” and “Top Ten Twitter Tips” or “How Not to Market on Twitter.”

Some of it’s conflicting. Wait. Should I be marketing? Should I not be marketing? What’s this magpie thing and how come some people love it and the others hate it? Should I hate it, too? (bite knuckles here)

You think, “This is why I don’t get involved in these things. I’m afraid of breaking the rules here. It’s too hard to stay on top of it all.”

You remember how ten years ago some internet-savvy dude flamed you for writing an e-mail in all caps. It was six months before you wrote to anyone again.

Not a good feeling. So what’s the deal? How can you stay on top of all these Twitter rules, tips, and etiquette that everyone seems to agree on? 

Yikes. You’d have to have a pretty solid sense of self to navigate through the waters of elitist internet governing. And no, you did not miss the Global Twitter Consortium.

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you dip your toe into the deep blue Twitter Sea, plus my one rule:

The Captain’s Chair

There is no Captain of Twitter or social networking. Theories and opinions ahoy! If you read about the “correct” way of Tweeting, remember that somebody made it up. If you make yourself a paper Captain hat, you can make rules, too. Yes, it’s that easy. It helps if you have a blog to post the rules so other people know what they are, but you have to wear the hat.

To Annoy and Conquer

People are going to get offended or annoyed by you at some point. You can’t control it, you can’t prevent it, it is inevitable. You’ll tweet about how much you like blue cheese dressing and someone will be annoyed. You’ll post a link to a Save Darfur donation site and 3 people will unfollow you because you are being “spammy.” You can’t control it. In an hour, fifty more people will post the same link. Move along.

What Are You Doing?

In the beginning, Twitter was people posting what they were doing throughout the day. Hence the question at the top of the box that asks, “What are you doing?”

Apparently that’s wrong this week. You’re not supposed to do that. Not to fear! Next week, the A-list Tweeter that exposed this villainy in his blog will be stuck at an airport and will tweet, “Subway sandwiches are yummy.”

5,000 people will Re-tweet and reply: “Subway rocks! I like lettuce!”

“What are you doing?” will breathe with new life. For at least a week.

@guykawasakichrisbrogansethgodin

You’ll notice that there are a few people (A-listers, if you will) that just about everyone is retweeting and following. Why? What’s the fuss? It’s because these people are usually smart, successful, and have a popular book, product, or blog.

Here’s a deep, dark secret about all of them: They’re just people. It’s true, I swear. They have kids, they get stuck at security, they even (gulp) make mistakes. They forgot to wear a belt today. Sometimes they’re even (double gulp) wrong. They’re still pretty cool, but jeez. Just people, ya know?

Remind Me Why I’m Here Again?

It helps to think about why you’re even on Twitter. A few possible reasons are:

• Meet new people and chat while working or just for kicks
• Marketing your product or business
• Just wanted to see what the hell that Dateline thing was about

Whatever your reason, it’s yours and each carries it’s own group “rules.” You can choose to follow them and move with the masses or you can flout convention and risk being (triple gulp) unpopular. You’ll still live to eat Chex tomorrow morning.

Whatever you do on Twitter, please follow my only Twitter Rule: Don’t be like everyone else. Be you, stick with it, and that’s enough.

Oh, and please follow me. I follow everyone who follows me. Shhh, I’m not supposed to do that, it’s really, really bad. I’m happy to follow you, whoever you are. I have met some people I never would have known otherwise (and they are really cool). 

Be warned, I’m going to send you an automatically-generated “thank you.” I hope it doesn’t come between us as friends, but if it irks you, there’s a sanitary lil’ “unfollow” button for your convenience.

Flush and be happy.

@sparkyfirepants