Grandpa is too nice to say he hates us

A while back I was at one of those restaurants where they surprise somebody in the party with a cake and that funeral dirge we like to call the Happy Birthday song. I saw an old dude, probably in his 70s or 80s, getting the royal, um, treatment. As the paid-to-be-chipper-but-need-acting-lessons waitstaff sang and clapped while his grandkids tried to look attentive, I could see the look in his eyes. I despise these people. And what is this, a tiny $25 cake that I could use as a suppository? If I could still bend my knees I would have already climbed out the bathroom window.

I’ve been on both the receiving and delivering end of this quaint American dining tradition. It’s excrutiating for both sides. Why do we do it?

Wait. Am I old yet? How about now? Wait… now?

When I was a teen, I carried around a list of Stuff I Want to Accomplish Before I’m Old. At the time, old meant 25. I  must have got the idea from adults who coyly told waiters they were 25 when clearly they were… older. Wink wink. Creep me out. So 25 must be at the threshold of senior living, right?

Anyway, the list I carried around was fairly ambitious and for several years I worried that I wouldn’t do it all. The interesting thing was that my concept of “old” kept changing. Plus, I kept adding to the list.

So I have no idea where I am now.

I’m sure I’ve checked everything off my original list, but now there’s new stuff and on September 21st I’ll be 40. I’m starting to see how this works. Check. New stuff. Check check. New stuff. I have nothing to prove anymore, so the list itself has become a quaint old tradition like restaurant sing-alongs. This is silly. Where’s the bathroom?

So I’m 40. Big Whoop. Uh, right?

I’ve never really shouted about my birthday milestones. I also haven’t lied about my age since I could legally buy beer and I don’t think I’ll start now. It’s kind of weird, actually. I don’t feel any different than I did 20 years ago but this big milestone number creeped up on me. Huh. It seems appropriate to look back for a moment, but more so it seems essential to realize that I have at least another 40 ahead of me. I mean, wow. What will I do with all that time? Have I seen every episode of Alias? I still haven’t become fluent in Klingon. Where did I put that book of yo-yo tricks?

I’m sure I’ll come up with something to occupy my years.

No, really, This birthday gift is for you

I was trying to think of a way to give out presents to celebrate my birthday, but it always morphs into this largely scaled enterprise involving Monaco, a cruise ship, and the entire Ocean’s 11 team. One day. For now, I’ll offer what I can without risking my knees being broken.

I’m in the middle of drastically altering my entire business model. Thanks to the Lift Off crew and some very heavy strategizing, I have a crystal clear vision of where the Firepants train is headed. More on that later. For the time being, know that I will keep helping my favorite clients and welcoming new clients on board. So you either are one or you can be. Happy Birthday.

To that end, I would like to offer you 20% off any of my Super Sparky service packages for the entire month of September. Specifically, if you put down a deposit on a package before October 1st, you’ll get a 20% discount. It doesn’t matter if we start the work in December or January, you’ll get the full deal. We can start as early as October 1st (I’m booked solid for September). Personally, my favorite is the Super Sparky Idea Generation package. It’s the best value and it’s a helluva lot of fun for me. But don’t let me tell you what you need, just check ‘em out yourself.

If the packages don’t sound exactly like your project, don’t worry. They’re a great place to start, but we’ll figure it out. You’ll still get your 20%.

So Happy Birthday to you. Well, really to me, but you get to open the gift. Clap with me! Happy happy happy happy happy happy…