I am in Hell

I am in working-from-home hell today.

Check out my new business cards, aren’t they jes’ the cutest lil’… ugh.

So they are cute and fun and brightly colored and say “Look at me! I’m cute and fun… yet I’m a brightly-colored professional.” Or something like that.

This was all happy and swirly and all those other artist-type feelings you get from drinking coffee and making art.

Then I hit “print. My day steadily sank into the fifth level of Postscript® hell.

Let me back up.

I wanted some new business cards. Those of us in the graphic design or any art-related business who want business cards typically will let no one else design them, even if it’s our mother and she is an award-winning layout genius and invented type as we know it today. Guttenberg himself wouldn’t stand a chance. No, the artist usually wants to design his own business card and I am certainly not going to go against type (pun intended, of course). So, design them I did. The choice was economical in part and by virtue of being a graphic designer I just saved myself a whole heap of money and a trip to the Microsoft clip-art page. I shudder to even think of it.

To take it a step further, I made a pit stop at Office Depot and picked up a pack of Avery inkjet business card sheets, pre-scored (Avery 8876 for the curious). Only $30 and I just saved another chunk of change. Hey, I already designed them and I have a printer with all this ink just sittin’ there doin’ nothin’, so why not?

The next step was to download the Avery template. That was pretty easy after I made it past the Microsoft Publisher, Word Docs, and KoolKard!© garbage templates. The InDesign template was okay, but I was much happier creating my own template in Illustrator. If readers yell “Control Freak!” at their screens I wouldn’t hold it against them.

I printed my cuteness on regular paper and held it up to one of my business card pages and everything was aligned beautifully, if I do say so myself (if you think that’s a smart idea, it is. It only took me two wasted Avery sheets to figure it out). Then I printed on an Avery card sheet. It was off. Darn (actual word used rhymes with “water fowl”). I tried again, adjusting my print dialogue settings several different ways. I printed another on copy paper. Oh, pretty. I print another sheet. It’s off.

Water fowl.

I e-mailed my friend Tim, who usually either knows the solution to my problem or has a cool YouTube video that makes me feel happy again. This time he had suggestions that I had tried. No video, either.

Solid human waste.

Let’s see, what have I done so far to correct this issue? Maybe I missed something:

1. Yelled to my family in the next room that Avery sucks.
2. Had more coffee.
3. Read the news.
4. Checked my e-mail. Again.
5. Downloaded a QuickBooks free trial.
6. Rearranged my iTunes playlist.

No, I didn’t miss a step anywhere. What’s wrong with these children of no fathers?

Eventually I did solve the issue after a lot of work and careful research. If any readers have had this same problem, it may help you to follow my troubleshooting guide:

1. http://www.vistaprint.com

That’s pretty much it. It’s self-explanatory from there. When I calculated the cost of ink, the Avery inkjet sheets, the non-billable hours I spent trying to get this right, I’m pretty sure that VistaPrint owes me money for printing my cards for me. The math works out.

With the business card fiasco out of the way, I was ready to work. Not so fast, Waste Exit Portal.

It seems that someone forgot to turn on the barking dog this morning. They must have had an epiphany, because this afternoon they came home and cranked it up to Full. This matriarchal water fowl(ing) dog barked for three hours straight.

Put on my headphones, you say? Yes, that would be troubleshooting step number one, but in this case I needed to be able to hear the phone. I cranked up my tinny Macbook speakers as high as they would go, but the Chili Peppers still sounded like they were playing the Folger’s Arena.

Jenni came home not long after and I gave her what for, let me tell you. Obviously this was all her fault and what’s this “Hello Honey” male cow excrement? I’ll teach you to get all nice with me, Lady.

This is what hell is like for people working from home.

Okay, it’s only one day. I know, I know. I just need some meditation, a little Hatha yoga, some tea, and a funny movie to make it go away.

Tomorrow is a new day. The rest of my life is front of me. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Water fowl if I’m gonna let it get me down.

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