I have grandmas in my head. 
I suspect that every person has voices in their head that constantly throw out their opinion on everything. When you think you’re the one deciding what to wear, it’s actually the voices of conflict that live just under the level of your consciousness:
“Really? That shirt? The one with the spot you think nobody sees?”
“You look so awesome in that shirt, that spot ain’t gettin’ the attention, if you know what I mean.”
In my case, I have my two grandmas who have passed on but continue to advise me on all matters from shoe choice to freeway exits.
Grandma Dolores is the “Everything you do is art” voice.
Grandma Kernik is the “Are you sure you won’t get trampled by elephants?” voice.
They are pleased to meet you, I’m sure. In fact, rather than dialing down the volume on their voices, I’ve decided they should weigh in regularly on the blog. Okay, maybe it was they who decided to go public.
Get used to it. I’ve had to.
Some Stuff Happening in May
For me, May is shaping up to be massively busy and simply awesome.
One thing that’s keeping my beehive mind occupied lately is a guest speaking engagement. Here’s the announcement I posted in the May member newsletter I sent out last week:
SCWBI Oregon Spring Conference: May 17-19
I’ll be appearing as a Special Guest Speaker for the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators Oregon chapter Spring conference.
Wow. Say that five times fast. Or once. Slow.
I’m so excited to start sharing my digital illustration secrets with a live audience. I’m also giving every member of the audience a gift. I’m actually giving away the best digital illustration tool that technology has ever provided to every single person in attendance. Nope, no kidding.
If you’ll be in Portland May 17-19 and have an interest in children’s publishing, you can register for the conference here: http://scbwior.com
Am I crazy? I mean, seriously.
First, I’m presenting to a large audience of illustrators. It will either be twenty minutes of madcap fun where I educate talented artists on digital technique…
… or it will totally suck and I’ll be escorted out by security.
Okay, so I’ve done this before with my digital animation techniques in Los Angeles and Chicago. It went over well, no hissing or tomato tossing. So why am I worried now? This should be old hat, right?
Truth is, it’s never old and the Big Fear never ceases to lock my bowels in a tight-fisted grip as I wait in the wings. Is there a toilet off stage?
Second, I’m giving away stuff.
I’ve never given anything away before on this level. Yet here I go. One marvelous piece of technological gadgetry to every person in attendance.
The Grandmas weigh in:
Grandma K: Do you want some 7-Up? That will keep you from vomiting on the front row. You don’t want to do that, do you?
Grandma D: I’m sure you’ll be wonderful. You know, I remember when you gave that presentation a while back. You were so entertaining.
Me: Grandma, that was Thanksgiving 1974. I was putting tupperware on my head and pretending to be an astronaut.
Grandma K: I’ve heard that plastic absorbed through the scalp causes premature baldness. Do you think that’s what happened?
Grandma D: Well, I think you look very distinguished with that shaved head. Like a teacher.
Grandma K: Are you really just giving away those things to all those people? That sounds expensive. Can you afford it?
Like it or not, the grandmas will be at the conference. I hope they don’t embarrass me.
Oh boy.
I LOVE this post.
My grandmothers do the same thing. Except with more yiddish thrown in.
Man, those lucky people who get to learn from you.
Yay Mr. Pants!
Congratulations on the great gig … and on the entertaining/distracting Grandma-circus in your head. :)
(That “best digital illustration tool of all time” gift? Gotta be a pad of paper!)
Wow, I wish I had your Grandmas. I don’t get to enjoy such cerebral tug-of-war. I just have normal insecurities of the mundane sort. You are so much cooler than me.
In my experience voices of grandmas (or voices of friends or anybody else you’ve internalized in the past) show up on their own if they think you’ll listen to them… even just for fun. ;)
I would like to invite your grannies over for tea! Do they travel?? ;)
You are going to wow them at the conference – but yes, know where the bathrooms are located, anyway!
@Havi Thanks for the push. When I commented on your blog I didn’t think of letting the grandmas stay outside. Looks like I had no say in the matter anyway. They won’t go back in the closet.
@Richard You’re close! So… close.
@karyn servin It’s so much easier to blame insecurities on people who don’t live in our world anymore. :)
@Michael Herzog Ha, yes! It’s like walking a line between madness and sobriety. We’re probably all one step away form being that person talking to themselves on the corner. OK, well I am.
@Everyday Yogini The Grandmas will go wherever I go. They’ll happily accept a tea invitation, especially in your part of the world.
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